Smacked by Christmas

I always like to get a jump on Christmas. I buy my cards just after Election Day write them out and address them before Dec. 1.

So, I went shopping for cards tonight, and I began to get an uneasy feeling as I looked through the boxes. Did I want a card that said, "Peace," like I usually get? Did I want something warm and fuzzy, religious, amusing?

I usually love this task, but the uneasiness kept growing until I realized what it was. What I want is Mike. This is my first holiday season without him. When I sit down to write the Christmas letter, I'l have to start it with the fact that I lost my precious son this year.

I'll have to take out the Christmas ornaments and when I come to the funny little bell be made in metal shop and the ceramic angel he made in art class, I'm not sure what I'll do.

It isn't even Thanksgiving yet. How am I going to do this? From Nov. 3 until mid-January, when my family gathers for our winter party, it's going to be so empty. It was ba enough without my sister, Ellen. Now I have to face it without Mike.

I thought I was cruising when I made it through the birthday, but that was just the beginning. As I stood looking at Christmas cards -- sparkling, happy, proclaiming the joy of the season -- I realized it won't be the same this year. Mike won't be fumbling with a Christmas tree that's too big for his living room. He won't be shaking presents to try and figure out what they are. He won't be making a gourmet meal.

I'm not sure how I'll cope with this season. This is going to take some thought and planning.