Goodbye, my angel

Michael died this afternoon. It was peaceful. He was here and with us until this morning, and he just slipped away at about 4 o'clock.

We had that wonderful talk last night after watching two episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space 9. He told me he was at peace and ready to go.

I went into the office for a couple of hours. Before I left, he said he was feeling weak and he wanted to sleep, and when I got home, Rob said he had been sleeping most of the morning. I checked on him and when the hospice nurse came a little before 3 and I couldn't wake him up. He came to for a few minutes and smiled at me and from then he was halfway between here and there. He smiled at me a couple of times and tried to tell me he loves me, and I talked to him.

Hearing is the last sense to go and I wanted the last thing he heard to be loving words, so I told him I proud and grateful I am to have been his mom, and that I will spend our birthday every year doing something to honor his memory.

We talked last night about how my sister probably would come to fetch him, and before he died, he reached out several times and said, "Ellll..." I think Ellen came to fetch him home.

He left us quietly.

The hospice nurse, Nan, was here and Buddy Corbin, the hospice chaplain, was here within 25 minutes. As we stood next to Michael, I said, "He was a remarkable human being -- and a royal pain in the ass."

Buddy and Nan looked shocked and turned to Rob.

"Oh, he could be," Rob said.

They didn't know him before he got sober.

James and Janet were on their way here when he died. I really think he wanted to die quietly before anybody could get here.

We've been sitting here telling Mike stories and laughing.

James tells a great story about Mike at Starbuck's. Mike hated corporate food, corporate coffee, pretty much corporate anything. He also had a colostomy bag where gas would build up. Oh, I think anyone can guess where the story goes from there...

I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart that hurts too much for tears, and I don't think it will ever heal. I can see his smile as he tried to tell me he loves me that last time. I can hear his voice, and his laugh still echoes.

I've gone into the bedroom again and again tonight to talk to him, even though he's not there, but he is in my heart. He'll live there forever.