Hangin' out with James

James came out for the weekend. He's not been eating or sleeping well. He misses Michael as much as we do. We have that in common -- and the same, somewhat twisted sense of humor. He's had a number of really realistic dreams of Mike. They're just talking and someone will come in and remind James that Mike is dead. But MIke just smiles that toothy smile of his and tells him it's OK - he's still here for James.

It's exactly what Michael told me he would do before he died. I asked if he intended to come visit me and he said James needs him more. He knew I'l be OK, but James just needs him there.

It's exactly the way my sister, Ellen, came to me after she died. She told me she's always with me. I already know Michael is with me, although I'd love to see him.

I know a lot of people don't believe people who have died can be in touch with the living, but I always have. Tell me my brain is playing tricks on me and I'll disagree. James said when he needs it most, he feels Mike's presence. I believe that.

James was probably the best friend Mike ever had. They had the same sense of humor, the same view of life and a deep, deep connection.

It was good to have James here. Rob says it's a connection to Mike for him. James isn't a replacement for Michael, but he is a comfort. We sat and watched Star Trek last night and made wisecracks and laughed. He worked on our computers the way Mike always did, and he's even more tehno-savvy that Michael was. He really loves tinkering with computers. He gathers old computer parts and builds new computers for alcoholics who are new in recovery. He took Michael's computer back with him because it's like putting my 83-year-old mother into a Ferrari to put us at that keyboard. We just don't need that much power. He did leave the sound system, though. If and when we get a new TV, we'll hook it up to that. He was really happy when we told him he should take the computer.

He wants to get out of the Raleigh area because it's too big a city and its suburbs are crowded and filled with big-box stores and malls. He's seriously thinking about moving to Asheville because of its more rural surroundings, its restaurants and its creative-hippie aura. That's definitely what drew us here.

I still fantasize about getting Danny and Jennifer and the kids up here. He hates his job and he wants to move closer to Rob and me since the kids are closer to us than to their other grandparents.

Robbo and I set the date for the family summer party. It's in July. I don't think James has the time off to make it to the party, although he would be welcome if he wants to come. I'm hoping Danny can get the week off and be able to come. There are three houses in the Poconos and probably room for anyone who wants to hang out the with the New Jersey gang before we go to Robo's.

Even more than before, I want my family around me. I want to savor every moment with them. I love that Peyton calls me on the spur of the moment to talk about math or boys or whatever. Losing a couple members of your family sure maks you want to circle the wagons tighter.