Just a little jealous

Every time I sign on to WNC mom, I see the photos of people's healthy, happy kids. I still have one healthy son and four healthy grandkids, but Mike is gone and I wish I could have him back, making faces for the camera and getting into mischief.

I'm jealous of people who've never lost a child. I wish I could have that back.

I went to Piecemakers tonight after work and Peggy and Pam and I talked about Mike's memorial service and how I'm doing now.

Time is so distorted for me. It seems like so recently he was giving me a hard time, but it seems like forever since he died. My mind still returns to that holy, wrenching moment.

Work helps some because I'm writing about the broken mental health system here in North Carolina. They "reformed" it six years ago, modeling it after the already broken healthcare system. It was in the top 10 of the 50 states before reform; now it ranks in the bottom five. If I keep it in the news by writing about it, people can't say they didn't know it was broken.

People are dying every day because of our broken healthcare system and nobody in power has the guts to fix it. I have the means to make at least a few people aware of what's happening, though. I can't bring Mike back. I can't bring back the poor street people who have died because they couldn't get into the mental health system or the healthcare system. I can let people know they're dying, though.

Whenever one of them dies, it's my job to make sure people see their humanity and realize people loved them as much as I loved my child -- or as much as you love yours.