Leaving can be fatal

I covered a funeral this morning of what appears to be a victim of domestic violence. The young woman was gunned down a few days ago along with her father's girlfriend and the older woman's teenage daughter. The father has been charged with the triple murder.
Meanwhile, a couple of counties west of here, a man who shot and killed his wife and her mother and brother was sentenced to three consecutive life terms in prison.
I don't know a lot about what happened in these homes before the shootings, but I do know the fact that both women were leaving is what triggered the crimes.
In a relationship where there is violence, the most dangerous time for the victim is when she (nearly all of the victims are women) is leaving.
Domestic violence is about control. The perpetrator has to have control of everything, and if the victim tries to assert any control, it's danger time. I've known women who were beaten for cooking the wrong thing for dinner or talking to someone the perpetrator didn't like.
A woman stays because she believes him when he says he's sorry the first time he hits her, and often the second and the third ...
But it's not just the hitting.The constant belittling makes her believe she doesn't deserve any better, and his total control of the finances keeps her from any resources she needs to get away.
He threatens her family if she goes back to them, and she believes him, as she probably should.
I've covered enough domestic violence killings to know these men are capable of killing family members -- six victims are in the news today, just in Western North Carolina.
The best way to get out is to notice the signs of domestic violence early and heed them. My niece left a boyfriend who had a firey temper and always wanted to know where she was and who she was with. He never hit her, but when she asked for our advice, my sisters and I told her to get out before he got around to it.
Abusive men often seem very nice in the beginning; they can be very charming. But it doesn't take long before they start to exhibit the signs:
Criticizes her dress or behavior frequently
Wants to know where she is and who she is with every moment
Shows extreme jealousy of time she spends with friends or family
Insists on having his way on everything and becomes overly angry if he doesn't get it
Abuses drugs and/or alcohol
Uses violence as a solution to problems
Punches walls or throws things when angry
Has rigid ideas about the tratitional roles in a family -- that he should be totally in charge and that a wife should not work
Comes from a family where there was domestic violence.
I've spoken to a lot of domestic violence victims who say it was like being with two different men -- the sweet, charming lover and the violent abuser. No matter how sweet he seems, no matter how much he promises, he will abuse again if he doesn't get help.
Children who grow up with domestc violence in the home are far more likely to become perpetrators or victims.
Even though leaving is the most dangerous thing a woman can do, it's also the most important. There is help. Nearly every community has a domestic violence agancy that helps women escape, and there's a national help line: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).