2-by-4 headaches

It's kind of like being hit by a 2-by-4. I go along, confident that I've fully intergrated the abuse that happened in my childhood, and then something happens to remind me people don't get over being molested. Ever.
I didn't even admit to anyone until I was in my 30s that I had been molested by someone my family loved and trusted from the time I was 3 until I was 12. That's when I started telling myself every day that I was the victim of a crime. I was the innocent one, not a dirty little girl. I didn't ask for it, I didn't like it, and I couldn't tell anyone because the person who abused me was so beloved and trusted and I was a little girl. It started in 1955, when people didn't even admit the existence of private parts to their children, and children were supposed to do as they were told without question.
Even though I've finally come to believe in both my head and heart that I was the victim of a crime, I was robbed of something very precious and it can't be retrieved or repaid, and the ugliness rears up every now and then, like being smacked in the forehead with a 2-by-4.
When I was asked to cover the sentencing of Leonard Smith, a beloved and respected choir director and youth leader, I agreed without thinking twice. It was OK, I could cover it the way I cover any other story. I had no desire to slap the man because I knew he was getting something my abuser never got -- a jail sentence.
What threw me was that 50 people came to court to support him, and no one was there for the family who has three members abused by the man. Six ministers came forward to ask for mercy in his sentencing because he's very ill and God calls us to be merciful.
I agree that this man is a child of God. That's a long way from where I was five years ago when my pastor preached a sermon saying that a church member who had molested a child and gone to prison was a child of God. I was furious.
But I have come to realize he was right. That doesn't mean he shouldn't be punished to the fullest extent of the law. God's justice is separate from state justice, and a sexual predator belongs in prison.
I know what Leonard Smith's victims will go through. It's incredibly painful. Just thinking about what they face breaks my heart.
Children who are molested are more likely to grow up to have depression, self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, become promiscuous and suffer from sexually transmitted diseases, become obese or have other eating disorders ... The list goes on.
It's because there's a dirty little child inside, constantly whispering the message that you're not worthy of real love, that you asked for it somehow -- wanted it -- or it wouldn't have happened. It's not logical and logic won't fix it.
But yesterday I met a woman, an artist, who used her art to help her heal. Her paintings depict the abuse, the healing and God's grace. I was so drawn to one of a little girl yelling "NO!" What incredible power that little girl had. I fell in love with her immediately for her strength -- her chutzpah.
You tell him, honey.
I've had this 2-by-4 headache for the last couple of days as I find myself clenching my teeth every time I think about those children Leonard Smith violated.
It will go away and I'll go back to believing I have fully intergrated the experience of my abuse into who I am.
It will not become who I am.
Now, here's some advice to prevent someone from molesting your child:
Never, ever, under any circumstances should you make your child have any physical contact with someone he or she doesn't want to. That means they don't have to hug Grandma, they don't have to kiss Aunt Mary and they don't have to sit on Uncle Al's lap. Never. Their bodies are their own and they must be the ones to make the decision who touches them. If you make them kiss or hug someone -- anyone -- you take away that control.
Trust them if they have an "oogy" feeling about somebody. Don't leave them with a babysitter they don't like.
Kids can't necessarily articulate what they don't like about someone, so don't make them explain.
The other important rule is that no one should ask them to keep a secret from you. Abusers start with little secrets and work up to big ones. It's called grooming.
No adult has a right to ask any child to keep a secret from a parent. It's never appropriate.
Forget good-touch/bad-touch. Those two rules will do more to protect children than anything else.
So, who should you worry about?
That's the problem; you never know. My abuser was a school custodian, crossing guard and respected church member. Leonard Smith was a youth leader and choir director. He bought clothes for kids, took them under his wing and let his care and concern go too far, in his words.
If kids don't want to ride with "Coach" or spend time alone with someone who poses as a concerned mentor, listen to them.