Goofy Mike

I spent an hour on the phone with Christian tonight talking about how we all process grief. James and Janet are both a bit of an emotional mess right now, which is to be expected. I don't think either of them expected the feelings they're having. But all three of them are family to me. They loved Michael as much as I did.

A woman at work who lost her husband four years ago told me today she can't know whether it's worse to lose your spouse or a child. I don't know either because I've never lost a spouse. Besides, it's not a contest. And it's not a contest who loved Michael more or who he loved best. I love that he always told his friends he was a Mama's boy, but he adored Janet even after they split, and she adored him. All of this was very unfair to her. And James, who never had a brother, found one in Mike. They had an incredible friendship.

We all want to control how Mike is remembered. But I think the best way to remember him is for each of us to hold in our hearts the things we loved best about him and the gifts he gave each of us. We share his memory. We all lost someone dear to us when he died, so I hope we can share our grief and be generous with our memories of him and with our own spirits the way he was with his.

Mike used to get up in the middle of the night if Christian came to the door and needed to talk. He used to get together with Christian and ask what good deed they could do that day. Then they'd go for coffee and wind up getting kicked out of the coffee house for laughing too loud.

"I can't believe we got kicked out of places sober." Christian said.

They had their inside jokes. Christian's mother is Jewish and his father is Baptist. Among the three of them, he became known as "the Jew." Mike and James became dat Mook and dat other Mook. It's how all their friends in Savanah knew them. Dat Jew and dem Mooks. And they were always looking for a good deed to do. At first it bugged Christian that Mike wanted to start his days by doing something nice, but then it just became the prelude to mischief.

"He turned me into a giver," Christian told me.

Now, that's a gift.